Ashers Baking Company, based in County Antrim, were taken to court by gay rights activist Gareth Lee after they refused to make a cake with a slogan supporting gay marriage.
Judge Johnson declared that not only were the bakers a pack of twats for denying the commission based on a person’s sexual orientation, but also that the bakery should “check out its own shop-front sometime”.
“Seriously, I’ve walked past it, and it looks camper than Dale Winton admiring a row of tents” said Johnson.
“So where exactly they get the nerve to tell someone else that their gayness is inappropriate for something covered in pretty icing is absolutely beyond me.”
“They don’t even do sausage rolls like the big heterosexual bakeries. It’s literally all cakes with icing and pretty patterns.”
“Cake-making is the figure skating of food preparation. It literally doesn’t get more gay.”
“If I could uphold this complaint simply on the basis of pure irony alone, then I would have.”
DUP MLA Paul Givan, who has proposed that lawmakers in the Northern Ireland Assembly introduce a “conscience clause” as a result of the Ashers case, said many Christians would view the ruling as “an attack” on their religious convictions, seemingly ignoring the fact that giving someone the same rights as you is quantifiably not an attack on your beliefs at all.
“What an absolute dick,” said God.